Tiger
The first woman Herman Hermaeus ever made love to — he was young at the time, young enough to use phrases like “making love” with perfect sincerity — had a tiger’s head mounted on her wall, between the coatrack and the fire extinguisher.
“She was a Bengal tiger,” the woman said.
“Is that so?” Herman Hermaeus asked.
“And she was a man-eater too. They say when tigers eat people they do it from the feet up — they don’t do it to be cruel, or anything, but you’re still alive as they’re eating you.”
Herman Hermaeus passed this fact on to his best friend Donovan Donovan the next day. Just in passing really, because what he really wanted to do was let him know he’d gotten himself laid finally.
“Yeah, that happens sometimes,” Donovan Donovan said. And Herman Hermaeus believed him, for Donovan Donovan was wise beyond his years and possessed the knowledge of half the PUA websites on the internet. Not because he read them or anything, but just because he was naturally that good.
The second woman Herman Hermaeus ever had sex with — this was back in the days when he was still counting — had a tiger’s head mounted on her wall, between the coatrack and the fire extinguisher.
“She was a Bengal tiger,” the woman said.
“Is that so?” Herman Hermaeus asked.
“And she was a man-eater too. They say tigers don’t naturally eat humans — they only try it out of desperation, but once they do it the first time and see how easy it is, they keep doing it until eventually the people in the area have to come together to kill them.”
Herman Hermaeus considered this repetition to be a strange coincidence. But just to be sure he asked Donovan Donovan, who knew so many things about getting laid that even Hugh Hefner came to him for advice back when Hugh Hefner was alive — again, mostly so he could let Donovan Donovan know he’d gotten laid again but also because he was kind of curious too.
“Yeah, sometimes things happen two times,” Donovan Donovan said. And Herman Hermaeus believed him, because — well, I mean just look at it, here’s the same thing happening in the same way two times.
The third time…
And the fourth time…
And the fifth time…
And several intervening times…
Donovan Donovan did not register any concern about this development. He told Herman Hermaeus the wise course of action, endorsed by the greatest of sages, would be to incorporate the pattern into his routine. Surprise her with something like, “You look like the kind of woman who has a tiger’s head mounted on your wall between the coatrack and the fire extinguisher.” Excellent device for weeding out non-starters and giving you the appearance of keen insight with the more promising prospects.
“But beware of rote repetition, my friend,” admonished Donovan Donovan. “For while the particular may fall under the category, no particular is identical with the category. Particulars of the situation must be given full respect and attention for maximum success to be attained. For this reason you must observe with your own eyeballs and sniff with your own ibble nosie. If she is of suspicious frame of mind, best never to mention or even hint at fore-ordained tiger-knowledge.”
“Yes, Donovan Donovan,” said Herman Hermaeus.
“And beware most of all the ultimate trap: to become dependent on one single path to success. If the sign of the tiger has chosen you, you must not choose the sign of the tiger. The easy path tempts to weakness through its ease — seek therefore the difficult way.”
Herman Hermaeus didn’t like the sound of that at all. Much more fun, and a lot easier, to bank on what he’d done before. It worked well enough, didn’t it?
And for some time it did indeed work well enough. Herman Hermaeus attained a massive string of successes through his strategy of expecting the tiger.
But the warning of Donovan Donovan was a wise one.
For the next time Herman Hermaeus got back to a girl’s place, he turned to hang his coat on the coatrack and comment on the Bengal tiger head hanging on the wall — and behold! No Bengal tiger head hung on the wall.
Which totally threw the whole evening off and Herman Hermaeus started saying stupid shit and acting like a total simp.
And he also never had an erection again in his life.
So let that be a lesson to you.