No Girls Allowed

“Whatcha doin, big brother?” God’s little sister asked.

God jumped in surprise but tried to play it off all cool-like, like he was actually just adjusting himself in his chair at his desk. He sat hunched over at the desk, intent at work on something. He sighed and said, “Gosh Mary-Ann, didn’t you see the sign on my door that says No Girls Allowed? And anyway, don’t you know how to knock?”

“Aren’t you impressed at how quiet I open doors?”

God straightened up at his desk but still didn’t turn around. He tilted his head. “Yeah, it’s a little impressive.”

“Mommy says I have a gift.”

“Does she now.”

“Uh-huh,” Mary-Ann said in that cute little voice that pretty much without fail melted God’s heart but he’d never let her know it. He still didn’t turn around, but only because he didn’t want her to see the big stupid grin on his face. “But really, whatcha doin, big brother?”

“I’m… I’m creating a universe. Why you wanna know?”

“Mommy sent me to check on you, she said she’d be up later too. Says you spend too much time up here choking chickens.”

“No she didn’t!” God said, spinning around in his chair.

“Yes she did. But I stuck up for you, ya know. I told her I never saw even one chicken in your room.”

“Lovely.”

God turned back to his desk and got to work on his universe. Silent as a stinky fart, Mary-Ann tiptoed up behind God till she was peering right over his shoulder. But she was a sneaky-sneak, don’t get me wrong, cause she was there a good thirty, forty seconds before God realized she was even spying on him. And he froze when he finally noticed, and from the slow-motion sorta way he turned to face her you could tell he was doing it for effect — and mind you, their faces were probably about two, three inches apart maybe.

“So what kinda universe you making?” Mary-Ann asked, folding her hands together and tilting her head with an innocent smile.

“A… a good one. I hope. Maybe…”

“Is it full of a really unbearable amount of suffering?”

God rolled his eyes. “Yes, obviously. What’s the point of creating a universe without a really unbearable amount of suffering?”

“Is it full of mortals who increase their own suffering through a misapprehension of the nature of the world they inhabit?”

God sighed. “Again, duh! What kind of dork creates a universe that isn’t full of mortals who increase their own suffering through a misapprehension of the nature of the world they inhabit?”

“Is it full of people who ask stupid and annoying questions?”

God gave Mary-Ann the look. You already know the one, I don’t need to describe it. He finally asked, “What are you really doing in my room?”

“I’m just interested in what my big brother’s working on and want to know more about it. I think Mommy’s wrong about you, too. I don’t think making universes is a waste of time. She says you’d be better off enjoying life.”

“Sometimes you’re not so bad, Mary-Ann,” God said. He wouldn’t meet her eye as he added, “It’s nice to have somebody who cares about what I put my heart and soul into.”

Mary-Ann put her little arm around God’s shoulder and God didn’t let on but he really appreciated the warmth of her touch. She peered down at the universe God was creating. “I think it’s a pretty good one. Cute, in a weird kind of way. A little heavy-handed and definitely too self-conscious, not to mention, well…”

“… what?”

Mary-Ann gave him the look. “You already know very well.”

God shrugged. “I can’t help myself sometimes, I think it’s funny.”

“You know what it’s missing though, right?”

“What?”

“The secret ingredient…?”

God winced because he knew what was coming. But on second thought he smiled and couldn’t help but play along: “And what’s the secret ingredient?”

“Love, God. The secret ingredient is love.”

God stared at Mary-Ann with a wistful little smile. He wanted to tell her how much he appreciated her coming into his room to see what he was working on. How nice it was that she cared. How very grateful he was to have her around.

But that’d really be too much, so he just waved an arm and said, “Pfft, love’s a buncha silliness. Now get outta here, I still have a bunch of work to do to finish this one.”

And even though he said love was a buncha silliness, as soon as Mary-Ann was out of the room God added some love to his universe.

And God saw that it was good.

Then he thought really hard for a while, hunched in his chair with his chin on his fist. At last he nodded, walked over to his door, and took down the No Girls Allowed sign.

Once the sign was gone, Mary-Ann never came into his room again. With or without knocking.

God felt kinda let down by that one.