Mousetrap Dialogue

A: What are you doing?

B: Building mousetraps. What are you doing?

A: I’m going to ask a girl to marry me. Why are you building mousetraps?

B: Wait… what do you mean you’re asking a girl to marry you?

A: I mean I’m going to ask her to join me in the significant state of holy matrimony. I mean I’m going to slough off my wanton youth and take on the profound moral duty of starting a family. Because that’s what it means to be a man, you know? It means facing your moral responsibilities.

B: Well, who are you going to…?

A: Because it’s one thing for a man to fritter away his youth on hedonic pleasure, but the day comes, I’ll have you know, the day comes when a man has a duty to be fruitful and multiply. He’s got to assume responsibility. He’s got to shoulder the load. Take up your cross and bear it, no matter your inclination.

B: You’ve been reading Kant again, haven’t you?

A: Well, what’s that got to do with it? A man’s got an ethical duty as a man to start a family. For the good of society.

B: Sounds a little retrograde to me, buddy. Moral duties and all that.

A: But it’s true! People have a moral duty to act in such a way that —

B: Would you stop saying what you think and start saying what’s popular? Don’t you know nobody believes in moral duties these days?

A: Well, that just shows you what a degraded, decadent, and morally defunct society we’re living in.

B: Will you stop talking about morality, for God’s sake? People are going to think you’ve been listening to Jordan Peterson if you keep this up.

A: It’s important that people do what’s right, is all I’m saying.

B: Exactly. Your priorities are all wrong. The most important thing is that you don’t be an asshole, and the second most important thing is that you respect everyone’s rights. Nobody wants to hear about duty or the moral law.

A: But how can you —

B: So who’s the lucky girl?

A: Wait, what? What do you mean?

B: The girl you’re marrying. Who is she?

A: Oh hell, I don’t know. It didn’t strike me as particularly important in the face of the moral injunction to marriage. I just figured I’d walk around town and ask any pretty girls I meet to marry me.

B: So that’s your plan? Marry some random pretty girl and fill her full of babies because your moral law told you to?

A: Pretty much. It sounds a little silly when you put it that way, I guess, but it’s all for the good of society.

B: Sounds a little dogmatic to me. Maybe even a little ridiculous. But you’re my friend, so I’ll accept you even while I take comfort in thinking I’m better and smarter than you.

A: That’s always a relief, I guess.

B: True that.

A: So what are you making mousetraps for, anyway?

B: To attract women.

A: Yeah?

B: Yeah, I look really cool and really busy while I’m making mousetraps, and every once in a while a girl will stop by and ask me what I’m doing. Sometimes she’s pretty and we’ll go have sex in the bushes.

A: You’re a moral degenerate, you know that?

B: And you’re a judgmental asshole.

A: I’m glad we’re friends.

B: To the bitter end, bucko.