Great Earth Mother Exhibit
“I used to be an art thief,” was the first thing he said to Camille Patterson, “But I’ve been working on that part of myself and it doesn’t come out as much anymore.”
They’d chatted a while in the lobby of the Veryprestigious Art Museum for a few minutes on Monday morning, Camille absently whirling her museum keys on their ring in her left hand. She thought he seemed a little naïve because he kept feeling the need to show off his art knowledge and then apologize for doing so, “Because it’s such an obvious ploy to get you to have a positive opinion of me.” When she had to head off to give a tour to a group of about fifteen bored-looking high school students, he asked for her number in that semi-sneaky way where a guy will not ask for your number but actually just flat-out tell you you should text him on the spot, which means you end up having to ask him for his number if you’re at all interested.
Which Camille was, or at least enough to play along. He had nice enough eyes and his breath didn’t stink, so what the hell? Maybe he’d subscribe to her OnlyFans account.
When they met up for their first date at Low-Key But a Little on the Pricey Side Restaurant on Friday night, the first thing he said to Camille Patterson was, “It’s great to see you and all, but before we go in there’s something I need to get off my chest.”
Camille stuck her museum keys in her pocket, asked what it was, and he told her (with misty eyes and a look of great shame) that he’d been unable to restrain himself from making off with a small Sumerian figurine from the museum’s Great Earth Mother exhibit during their conversation on Monday.
“You know I really try to restrain myself, but it’s like I have these habits I built up over time and sometimes they just take control over me, you know? And I saw the Goddess figurine and I just had to take it, even though the whole time I was doing it — and very much enjoying our conversation, by the way — I was thinking I shouldn’t do it, I’ll just cause trouble. Because that’s all I am is trouble, and I feel like I’m no good to myself or anyone, I wish I could change. But anyway, it’s back at my place and I’ll return it to you when we go there, so no harm done.”
Camille thought it was a bit much that he’d just assume they would be going back to his place like that. But he was a pleasant enough conversational partner and seemed awfully apologetic and appeared to have a deep love of art even if he did get Manet and Monet mixed up.
So they had a nice dinner, went for a walk through Picturesque and Romantic but Not Too Romantic Park, and shared a bottle of wine. She told him about art school, about her father who worked really hard to give her a good life but really wasn’t around all that much so she didn’t really feel like she knew him, and about her mother who was a total controlling bitch.
Camille took the goddess figurine with her when she left his place the next morning.
On Monday morning Camille was scheduled to run an early tour with another group of bored high school students. She headed in extra early so she could drop off the Sumerian figurine without anybody noticing.
A pair of police cars waited in front of the museum when she got there. The front door was unlocked, which was lucky because she seemed to have forgotten her keys at home by mistake.
A couple of police officers stood talking to the museum director at the desk in the lobby, which was unusual because the museum director usually didn’t come in until nine or ten in the morning, at the earliest. What was also strange was the line of “POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS” tape blocking off the entrance to the Great Earth Mother exhibit.
“What’s going on?” Camille asked as soon as she got to the desk.
“Didn’t you hear?” the museum director said, “Somebody’s cleared out the entire Great Earth Mother exhibit.”
Camille didn’t tell anybody about her date over the weekend.
And she also didn’t mention the Goddess figurine in her bag.
She was a little upset when he never called her again.