Entwined

And why should you care, anyway? Give it another fifty, maybe seventy-five years at the most. You’ll be gone, and all this world will have forgotten you. Don’t you see this world is nothing but a bad dream that will soon be over?

If I’m going to be here all this time I might as well make it as good as possible. Or at least minimize the bad.

You say that as if you believe there could be more joy in it than pain. Don’t lie to me. You believe this world is a nightmare. You believe this life is a nightmare. Why not act on your beliefs? Just end it with a bullet or a rope or one final dive in the deep water.

You’re right that I haven’t been living very well. Someone who believed this life was worth living would live quite a bit differently.

Then go ahead and die. Wouldn’t it be easier?

Much easier. But I can live differently. Make little improvements here and there. Keep that up for long enough and I’ll find a way of being that is worth living.

And you think you have it in you to do that. Don’t pretend to me. You’re lazy, you’re weak, you’re undisciplined, you’re in love with excuses, you’re addicted to whining, and you’re a slave to your desires. You’ll never claw your way out of the hole you’ve dug for yourself.

I didn’t say it would be easy. I said I can do it.

But will you? Of course not! You’re only playing games with yourself again. Maybe you’re struggling against me now, but you’ll always come back to my side in the end. It’s what you do. It’s what you’ve always done.

There’s nothing good you can give me.

There’s nothing good in all the world. But I can help you forget. Take away the pain a little. Help you escape this nightmare of a world. We both know how much you love the bottle.

No, that’s one of your lies. The more I try to escape reality, the more I want to escape reality, and the more painful it is to face reality and live in it. It’s the same way with any escape you could offer me.

…

…

You say that, but you just went to take a smoke break. You wouldn’t be lighting up all the time if you didn’t want to get away, now would you?

I have a lot of things I need to work on. And the smoking is probably one of my lesser vices, to be honest.

Then you admit you want to get away from your life?

Of course I want to get away. You know everything about my life. You know how hard it is for me to keep fighting you.

Oh, look at you. It’s almost precious. You want to act like you’re taking up some gallant stand against the evils of the world. You can’t even master yourself, and you think you’re going to make the world better?

I can master myself. I haven’t done it yet, and it won’t be easy. But I’ll overcome you in the end.

Yeah, whatever. If you really wanted to make a difference you’d get into politics. What are you, anyway? Only collective action can make a difference in the world.

I am me. I’m responsible for my own existence. You think it would be better if people remained children all their lives.

And most of them do remain children all their lives! Why not join them? Or stay with them, rather — we both know you’re more of a child than most of them.

Because it’s worth it to be able to stand up without leaning on anyone else. And maybe someday to be strong enough to help others stand on their own.

Listen to you. Don’t you realize how lame and pompous you sound? No wonder you’re always striking out with the ladies.

Ouch. That one stung a little. But it’s more important to speak the truth, no matter how it sounds. And even if it keeps me from getting what I think I want.

Oh my God, you sound like such a fucking stick in the mud! And it’s not like you have any right to talk this way. Don’t go acting like you’re some kind of moral paragon. You talk a big game here, but we both know I’m the one who guides most of your actions. You’re nothing but a little voice on a runaway train, trying to convince itself it’s in charge. But I am the locomotive, bitch.

You’re absolutely right. You’re much stronger than me, right now. But I will overcome you. It may take years, it may take the rest of my life. But I will overcome you.

Sure you will. Sure you will…